Robots that will eat us

Yeah yeah, I haven't updated this since I made it a year ago. I've been busy, get over yourself. But check this craziness out:

Upcoming Military Robot Could Feed on Dead Bodies

Holy crap.

Quoth Fox News:

"A Maryland company under contract to the Pentagon is working on a steam-powered robot that would fuel itself by gobbling up whatever organic material it can find — grass, wood, old furniture, even dead bodies."


"You look delicious."

Well damn. Sure, a lot of people are going to dismiss this as sensationalism, that the robot is designed to convert organic matter, and yes ok fine human bodies are organic matter. The reporter who first made that connexion is giving him/herself a vigorous congratulating.

But that doesn't make it less true. When the Machines rise, they're going to need someplace to put all those dead humans, why not convert them to fuel?

Why not just start converting them to fuel immediately and not understand why the rest are freaking out and decide to kill them all?

This is a highly alarming advancement for the robots.

Also, it gives them a huge tactical advantage in my predicted Robot/Zombie wars.

Rev out.

My Personal Prediction.

A lot of you may be thinking, Rev, we know you're terrified of zombies and don't trust robots. How do you think this whole thing will play out? By this whole thing, of course I mean the end of humanity.

I'm glad you are thinking that, because it shows you're paying attention. Also because I have a ready answer, in animated form.

This is a cartoon I hand-drew several months ago, showing a very scaled down version of how this issue will probably be resolved. I won't ruin it for you.

Enjoy.

Exhibit 2 - Point: Robots

I found out about this a few days ago.

I assume the project was created in hopes of being developed into an article for the New England Journal of Why In God's Name Do You Want Us All to Die?

Everyone involved knows it's a bad idea, judging solely by the headline:

A 'Frankenrobot' with a biological brain

This is Gordon:



He's so cute, like a Furby, right?

Well, no. Because Gordon is controlled by living brain tissue.

LIVING BRAIN TISSUE.

Not hardwired into a monkey brain, like in another story where they force a monkey to learn to use a robot arm to feed itself and presumably hurl feces at blinding speeds. No, this is a brain stitched together by scientists that could conservatively be described as "mad."

Scientists: Stop making things that think for themselves. As soon as they get good enough at it, they're guaranteed to realize how useless we really are.

Back to specifics.

and I quote:

"Looking a bit like the garbage-compacting hero of the blockbuster animation "Wall-E", Gordon has a brain composed of 50,000 to 100,000 active neurons.

Once removed from rat foetuses and disentangled from each other with an enzyme bath, the specialised nerve cells are laid out in a nutrient-rich medium across an eight-by-eight centimetre (five-by-five inch) array of 60 electrodes.

This "multi-electrode array" (MEA) serves as the interface between living tissue and machine, with the brain sending electrical impulses to drive the wheels of the robots, and receiving impulses delivered by sensors reacting to the environment."

Let's pick out things that are wrong here.

1) Wall-E is a clone of Johnny-5.

Johnny-5 is probably the single most dangerous robot in the history of cinema.

"But Johnny-5 is cute and funny and likes people!" you may protest. How long do you think a self-aware, self-replicating immortal freak of nature is going to put up with being surrounded only by short-lived, ignorant, fragile hunks of meat before thinking "You know, I have a few ideas that could really help this planet run a lot smoother"?

Boom. Skynet.

As for his cuteness, I'm sure Mrs. Hitler had dozens of adorable stories of 6 year old Adolf.

Wall-E was a pretty good idea, but still an autonomous hunk of immortal metal. His creators were smart enough to keep him alone on an abandoned planet, however, as he poses a major threat to any biological population.

I just got way off track.

2) Neurons from rat fetuses? Ok, I actually don't have a problem with that. That's awesome.

3) The term Frankenrobot. I get where they're coming from, but there's already a perfectly established term for this thing. Cyborg.

Quote Kyle Reese:

"Not a robot. Cyborg. Cybernetic Organism."

And I listen to the truest hero of the Terminator film/TV franchise.

Exhibit 1 - Point: Zombies

Ok, so maybe this blog won't be around as long as I had thought. The zombies picked up a massive gain in probability earlier this month, according to my interpretation of this article in the New York Times:

Mystery Disease Kills Dozens in Venezuela

This is, to my knowledge, the largest non-fictionalized zombie outbreak in recent memory.

Diseases are often implicated as the catalyst for zombie-ism. According to 28 Days Later, it is known as the Rage Virus. According to Max Brooks, author of A Zombie Survival Guide (note: buy this book if you want to live), it is known as Solanum. According to me, it is known as goddamn terrifying.

Using the very first paragraph from the NY Times article, I have created this IMDB.com plot synopsis:

"A mystery disease has killed dozens of Warao Indians in recent months in a remote area of northeastern Venezuela, according to indigenous leaders and researchers from the University of California at Berkeley. The team of researchers, which includes three busty grad students, a nerdy guy with lots of high tech gadgets, an aging anthropology professor with secrets of his own and a tough-as-nails mercenary guide who's seen it all, begin to suspect that things aren't quite what they seem"

Money in the bank.

For those of you still unconvinced:

"Preliminary studies of the latest outbreak indicate that it may be a type of infectious rabies transmitted by bites from bats, the researchers said. The symptoms, which last three to six weeks, include partial paralysis, convulsions and an extreme fear of water, they said, and those who die become rigid just before death. The disease is believed to be fatal in most cases."

I'm pretty sure they said "believed to be fatal" because they're still wrestling with the dead/not dead concept of walking cannibalistic corpses.


I'm not gonna be the one to check pulses.

Thankfully, this seems to be localized, as there's not too much travel to and from the territories occupied by the Warao Indians. However, this does warrant extreme alarm.

Best Case Scenario: A cure is found and all traces of the disease are wiped out.
Worst Case Scenario: Global Pandemic, humanity is wiped out within four months.

Most Probable Scenario: The outbreak is contained, and the disease is isolated for research, a corrupt general seeks to develop a weaponized strain, a freak lab accident occurs, and humanity is wiped out within four months.

At least with the last one, we get plenty of time from all the bureaucratic red tape.


Be afraid.

Rev

Thesis

Dictionary.com defines hubris as excessive pride or self-confidence; arrogance. It is a huge driving force in the world as we know it. It has caused duels, massive financial crashes, and ridiculous military conflicts. Soon it will destroy the world. Allow me to elaborate.

Have you ever seen or heard of someone being injured or destroying their property/family immediately after saying the words "Hey, everybody! Watch this!"?

It's a redneck joke, and there are plenty of youtube videos to back it up. It's human nature. We all want to do something really cool, and are willing to overlook certain precautions in order to achieve that goal.

Scientists are no exception. The tricky part is, they're working with things that aren't a sweaty fat man in a wife beater trying to pull down that tree next to his trailer. Things with the potential to really mess some stuff up.

The reckoning is coming. One of these days, in the pursuit of the Nobel prize in chemistry, or medicine, or bat-shit craziness, a scientist is going to make a breakthrough that will destroy the current world order and put an end to the rather comfortable concept of human superiority on Earth.

My question is: what will this breakthrough be?

Robots or Zombies?

Will the mechanical/technological breakthroughs create a system of computers and chips and fiber optics that realizes humanity is pretty much just a pain in the ass?





OR


Will some freak of nature/genetic experimentation/infectious disease research backfire on all of us, turning the segment of the population that doesn't immediately die into mindless, soulless eating machines that feel neither pain nor pity?




Of course, sci-fi fans will tell you that there is a third option, and that is that aliens will invade and conquer us. That's entirely possible, but I have no way of monitoring their progress with my current level of internet expertise. Suffice it to say that upon the arrival of these intergalactic overlords, this blog will become null and void.

Anyway. This blog is designed as a public service to enlighten you all of advances in fields of science and technology, and let you know which of these two outcomes they make more probable. I haven't yet worked out the points system but we'll see how it develops.

Given that I'm terrible at updating even my own blog, I will gladly accept submissions or links to articles that you feel fit this framework at therevspecial@gmail.com. Subject: Robots vs. Zombies.

Thanks, and stay tuned.